It shouldn't need to matter so much

I'm typing this entry out with my hair soaking wet. No I did not get caught in the rain. I just stepped out of the shower. 

What is it about showers that makes us so philosophical? Ha ha. Maybe it's the scent of our shampoo? Maybe it's the sound of water dripping onto the bathroom tiles that kind of mimics the comforting sound of the rain. -cue rainymood.com-

I lost myself. I don't know when, but it dawned upon me a few minutes ago that I lost myself. I trying to find my way back but I guess it'll take time. I've been trying to find my place in this world, trying to belong, so much so that I lost myself completely. It's funny how I've been trying to seek acceptance from others when I can't even accept myself for who I am. I've been trying to change myself, indulging in vices to escape, making myself absolutely MISERABLE along the way. 

I've been trying to make people stay. I shouldn't need to do that. People who want to stay WILL stay. They aren't obligated to anyway. I always thought I was the one burning bridges but I should have accepted the fact long ago that PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE.

Yes, people always leave, and that the only thing that is constant is fucking C H A N G E. 

-

I don't know if I'm in a much better place now, it still hurts but the pain is more tolerable now. Maybe I've gotten stronger? Am I even capable of that? Maybe I've just reached my desired state of apathy.

Is it selfish of me to stop caring because I'm afraid of getting hurt?

It hurts me too but I can't say anything because once I start caring again, I'd expect you to do the same and if you fail to meet my expectations, I'll be so disappointed.

Ha ha but this entire post contradicts what I am saying right now because it's obvious that I still care.

but I guess I'm not going to show it.

Put me in a state of apathy please. 

 “With insomnia, you're never really awake; but you're never really asleep.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

I get this question asked quite a lot: "Why didn't you sleep?"

Well,

when I'm lying in bed at night trying to fall asleep, my thoughts run wild and it hurts my head.

This usually ends up with me getting out of bed and sitting by my window, just staring out into the night sky. It is more calming than you think it is.

Sleeping once every two days does have its perk I guess... I end up feeling so exhausted by the end of day 2 that I fall right asleep, without having to deal with horrid thoughts.

I hate it.

Why won't sleep come easy for me? 

-

I ended up doing some arts 'n craft when I couldn't sleep a few nights ago. I am officially a hipster. 

Each alphabet painstakingly drawn and cut out by yours truly. I was deciding between this quote by Simon Bolivar and "Wanderlust" and I ended up going for the former. 

I first saw this quote in the book Looking for Alaska (by John Green) where Alaska asked Pudge this question.

Pudge concludes that forgiveness is the way out of this labyrinth of suffering and I can't say that I disagree with him.

But what if Alaska really did commit suicide and it wasn't just an accident? (spoiler alert)

so maybe death is the way out of this labyrinth of suffering.

Ha ha.

I need back inside your veins

I am certain that once I've reached that state of apathy,

I will be much happier

but 

you. will. never. get. me. back.

-

I got a new bookshelf today.

If it's not obvious enough, I love Chuck Palahniuk.

-

I do not understand how some people are so proud of the fact that they do not read.

It's okay to not like to read.

but being proud of it is just...........

unfathomable.

-

Everything is messed up. 

Also, I will be going to The Kooks alone because none of my friends like them enough to fork out $128 to see them.

It's cool.

-

I am on my own now. No one wants to deal with my nonsense anymore.